“At this time we are only pre-boarding our first class passengers, business class passengers, small business class passengers, business school grads, platinum club members, diamond deluxe members, gold medallion members, Captain’s Club members, Mile High Club members, and all premium class passengers and club members, members of the armed forces — excluding the Coast Guard but including the National Guard — passengers needing special assistance, small children needing special medication, insomniac babies, billy goats, donkeys, flightless birds of any kind and any barky animals that fit securely in a purse, Internet moguls, oil barons, royal barons, all royalty, heirs and heiresses, anyone wearing leopard print sweatpants and designer sunglasses, anyone wearing a black turtleneck and wire rim glasses, as well as any of the other fashionable and unfashionable elite class who will have their choice of inflight meals, which include lobster rolls, lobster salad, lobster bisque, lobster thermidor, or, for members of the eco-elite, a copy of the book ‘Consider the Lobster,’ while they recline in leather seats and enjoy free wine, free wi-fi, free hive fives, low carbon footprints, hot towel service, and deep tissue massage, and if you are not boarding the plane yet, please wait a little while longer while we fill it from front to back instead of back to front so you have to squeeze your way with your bags past people who never have to wait for anything and if you are lucky enough not to get bumped from this overbooked flight we will only allow you to sleep in steerage for a moment before we wake you up with a sharp slam to the knee from a beverage cart and spill coffee on your lap and sell you a bag of crushed potato chips at a handsome markup while blocking the aisle to the bathroom for half an hour. Thank you for your patience. We will now begin regular boarding for women who won’t stop talking and men who won’t stop snoring and anyone who can’t fit his or her bag in the overhead compartment but won’t stop trying. We know you have your choice of airlines and, as always, we appreciate your business. Thank you for flying with us.”
Black and white photos of hot naked chicks drinking milk poorly. Tit tattoo of a heart with an arrow through it and a blank ribbon across the front waiting to be filled in with a name. Exposed toes and blue gators and zebra heels. Her face, a bruised peach with a long scar, and she begs for change and a man hands her coins and she sees his girlfriend’s bouquet of roses. “Can I have a flower?” Missing teeth. He hands her one. “You’re the first person who has ever given me a flower. Thank you.”
I have some great news. My first book, Steal Me for Your Stories, is available for pre-order. This collection of short stories took me several years to write - many of which first appeared on this blog - and being only a few months away from holding it in my hands is pretty thrilling.
Also, I’m donating everything I make from this book to a trust for my late cousin’s family, so even if you think the stories suck you can at least know it wasn’t a total waste of money.
The collection is with an independent press so it is going to rely heavily on word-of-mouth for its success. An independent book usually sells a few hundred copies, if the author is lucky. Expectations are low when you don’t get plugged in The New York Times, have no advertising budget and don’t have displays in bookstore windows. The Twilight series sells millions.
My goal is to sell at least a thousand copies the first year to puff some really garlicky breath into the wealthy faces of every vampire novelist.
Selling out the pre-order is important for some money/PR reason I don’t fully understand. (Hype?) So if you know anyone else who you think might be interested in this book, you’d be doing me a great favor by passing the word along.
You can also help me out, if I can keep asking for favors, by leaving a review or a rating on Goodreads and Amazon. Assuming you like it, of course.
Thanks for reading this long, boring plea for assistance. The book will be more enjoyable.
~O~
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